What is Wrong with Me?
What went through my mind when I held my baby for the first time?
I think the first thing that ran through my mind was, “THANK. GOD! DEAR. MERCY! YOU DID THAT TO ME?!”
My firstborn and I had a bit of a delivery process.
And then… honestly, I experienced some confusion.
I had been a serious watcher of that one birth story show that was so popular back in the day. Maybe it’s still popular. I digress… After watching and CRYING after every. single. episode during my pregnancy… I was CERTAIN I was going to be a weepy mess when I held my child for the first time.
Nope.
None.
Zilch.
None of that weeping of pure elation, thankfulness, wonder … delight.
I remember wondering if I was going to be a good mom who loved her child… because what kind of mother doesn’t cry crocodile tears of joy after her child is born???!!!
I was baffled.
I was thankful.
And I was tear-less.
I couldn’t muster the tears. And when I say muster, I do mean MUSTER. I TRIED to cry. It seemed that was part of the gig: Have baby. Cry. Surely my experience would not be whole without the tears!
In fact, I was so bothered by my non-teary state, I had to make me stop thinking about what was wrong with me, and focus on MY NEW PERFECT BABY.
My first thoughts:
- THANK GOD!
- No tears? NO TEARS???!!!
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I AM GOING TO BE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!!!
New mommies. I love new mommies. Bless their hearts…
I have certainly made-up for those initial postpartum tear-free moments over the last 12+ years. In fact, just 2 weeks ago I listened to a song about a boy and how time is like an hourglass and… heaven have mercy I cuh-ried!
I know now why I didn’t cry then… I pushed (and didn’t push) for over 2 hours! Half that time was spent on my hands and knees. Yes, both my boy and I were doing acrobatics in desperate efforts to get him out without having to go to “Plan B”.
AND I hadn’t eaten anything but ice chips for something like 35 hours and had reasoned my way out of every birth-plan ideal in those “Oh have mercy I had NO IDEA” hours.
Simply… I had given everything I had. Everything. Once I convinced Me it was OK that I wasn’t crying… then my mind was free to explore the wonder of my new little guy. I took in his tight fists… his goopy eyes… his awesome little toes… his hairless head and just tried to let it sink in that he was my son.
My son. MY son… And those words are what began rolling through my mind and heart… “My son, my son, my son… MY son…”
Of course… I am crying NOW.
Childbirth is such an incredible moment, and I’d love to know what went through your mind when you held your baby for the first time? By replying, you will be entered to win an exclusive Million Moms Challenge Gift Pack, which includes an iPad2, a custom-made Million Moms Challenge pendant and a $50 donation in your name to Global Giving.
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This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Million Moms Challenge. The opinions and text are all mine. Contest runs October 17 to November 13, 2011. A random winner will be announced by November 15, 2011.